Sunday

Well I think it is time to face facts and get to the doctor's for some help.  Had a bit of a downer on Friday night which scared me as I felt so out of control.  So it's time to do something before my whole world falls apart.  Peter can't take much more - he says it puts him under pressure as he feels he can't talk to anyone or about anyone without my getting paranoid about it.  Not only that but it has gone to my stomach and my digestive system is up the spout.  I feel nauseous a lot of the time and have enough wind to power an airship!!  Somewhat embarrassing as much as anything else.

Had my one and only Christmas do on Saturday - a meal at Back Inn Time with the guys from work and other halves. Food OK but company good although there was a lot of shop talk at times.  Luckily Peter and I sat with Rob and Brenda and so avoided most of the shop talk and had a much more general conversation which was good.  Just wish it had been a bit more lively - Christmas is supposed to be about having fun and letting your hair down.

Peter is out with the lads on Friday so no doubt he will get extremely drunk.  They are getting a coach to some place in Ingatestone where it is drink as much as you like.  He's convinced it will end up in a fight so we shall see if he's proved right.  Then I believe he's going to Newcastle the weekend I pick up the girls from uni so he'll be out on the town then as well.

On the other hand we are going to be very grown up and go to the Da Vinci exhibition and then maybe a meal and a bit of Christmas shopping.  Don't get me wrong, I love going to exhibitions and this is a must see, but I do wish we also did something a bit more lively at times.  Mind you where we live is not exactly buzzing unless you are under 30 and not worried about getting caught up in a fight.

Last time we went to Newcastle I really wanted a good night out - it is supposed to be party central after all, but it was as dead as a dodo.  Peter did not want to go up to some part of it where there are loads of places as it gets too rowdy especially as there had been a match that day.  Also there were loads of places he would not take me to as he said they are too rough and all the gangsters go there so that was a bit of a downer.  At least this time he did not leave me in the middle of the road on my own at night and then go off to bed while I could have gone anywhere or had anything happen especially as I did not have my phone with me!!  That's a whole other story.

Done it again

Why can't I get my head straight?  I just keep going over the same thing again and again and it's destroying my relationship.  I am so unhappy with myself and feel so worthless and I blame it all on Peter.  I want him to be something he is not and that is so unfair.  He cannot help the way he is and I should accept that, not beat him up over it.  Maybe he is right when he says that in reality I don't want him anymore but am too scared to say so and am too scared to start again at my age.

I don't know what I want anymore.  All I do know is that I don't want too feel like this anymore but I don't know how to stop.  I've become trapped in this cycle and can't find the way out.  I have lost what little confidence I have.  I feel old, ugly, stupid.  I thought I had things under control but how wrong I was.  I am paranoid about his contact with Julia even though he has constantly said there is nothing there and it's just old friends getting together. 

It's making me ill, literally.  Over the last few days I feel constantly nauseous and have enough wind to launch an airship!!  Touch of IBS I think and there is not a lot I can do about it.

He is quite happy with things, likes the routine of our sex life and sees nothing wrong in not talking much.  I feel isolated, boring and have consequently chucked a small fortune's worth of lacy undies as being a waste of time.  What have I become?  I don't know how much longer this can go on without some massive fallout.  I'm frightened by how I feel at times - so overwhelmed.  Somebody please give me the strength to get through this.

Small Talk

I'm not totally sure whether social networks are a good idea or not.  I look at my Facebook and feel I must be very dull as nobody comments on my posts and it seems to carry on some of the cliqueness that exists at work.  I'm not a naturally social animal - some people may stuck I'm stuck up or cold - but I just find it hard, even at my advanced years, to make small talk.  However, this does leave me feeling a bit left out when everybody else is busy patting each other on the back. 

I need to find some hobbies/interests to get me out of myself and mixing more.  Trouble is I don't really know what!!  I'm not really sure what I do like or what I could be good at which makes it a bit of a Catch-22 situation.  I wish I had some passion in my life that I could turn to give me a sense of achievement or enjoyment.  God I sound so pathetic.  I really need to get a grip and stop wallowing - but wallowing is so much easier!!  I've always been a bit on the lazy side I'm afraid.

Well Christmas is looming and I have not got a thing organised yet.  We're planning a shopping day on Saturday so I can make a start even if it's just stocking fillers for the girls, cards and paper.  At least it will be a start.  Can you believe there are so many decorations up already and it's not even the end of November.  I really think there should be a law that says no decorations before 1st December.  After all, we all know it's coming and don't really need reminding this early!

The damned cat is waking us up earlier and earlier.  She just sits next to the bed and squawks until I grab her and stick her on the bed even though she is quite capable of jumping up herself.  The trouble is she then jumps off again, disappears for a while then comes back again.  She has become almost like a small child needing attention - maybe it's a form of feline dementia.  Whatever it is I wish it would stop so I can get some sleep!

Really want to see Wuthering Heights but none of the cinemas around here are showing it at the moment.  It's all Tin Tin, Immortals, Arthur's Christmas.  What happened to catering for the adult audience?  Hopefully it will turn up at some point as it would be a shame to miss it.  Mind you at this rate I might even have time to read it again before I see it.  I haven't read it for more years than I care to remember but it is sitting on my Kindle so maybe I should get reading.

Nearly time for It Takes Two.  I'm a Strictly fan and this year has been great fun to watch.  The competition is really hotting up and am so impressed by the way Alex has come on since the start of the programme.  I hope she goes far.

Update

Well it's been quite a while since I last posted anything on this blog and it must be feeling very neglected.

Life has changed somewhat in that both girls are now away at uni and it is just me and the fella at home.  It's not going too badly but it has highlighted some things that I was aware of but are more evident now.

We don't seem to talk very much apart from banalities.  I find it hard to know what he's thinking at times and he's not one for speaking his mind.  I know that he hates his job because of all the extra bureaurocracy that has crept into the profession over the years and he finds the sheer workload hard to deal with.  At times it gets him down badly.  Sometime I wish he was more dynamic but there again I'm not exactly the most outgoing of people either so I suppose in that respect we're well suited!

But is it really too much to ask to have the occasional compliment, the odd surprise to keep things interesting.  Our relationship is in such a rut.  We hardly speak during the week, there's no physical contact during the week and any sex has to be squeezed into a weekend along with the rest of the chores.  Furthermore night time sex is a big no no as we tend to have too much wine and just fall asleep or I try to have less but he still drinks and falls asleep.  Something which used to be so much fun and so fulfilling has become a big turn off for me.  I can barely respond at times and just lie there and look at the ceiling.  I can't feel anything, as if I'm totally shut down.

I've never had a lot of confidence in the bed department.  So it doesn't help when he never undresses me, never looks at me except for a brief few minutes on a Saturday or Sunday morning.  I've lost confidence in making the first move partly because I feel such a prat and partly because I am scared he'll laugh at me and say no.

I have a good life - a job, a roof over my head, food on the table, so why do I feel so unhappy?  Why do I feel so empty?  It's as if a bit of me is missing and I can't find it.  I want to be happy so much but feel so worthless, almost as if I don't deserve it. 

I want peace of mind.  I still worry about Peter and Julia especially after something he wrote to his friend Gill about how if things were different he might have been with Julia.  It almost implied that under different circumstances he would be with her.  I'm so confused over this whole thing.  he talks about having to keep his feelings locked away when he's with her  - what feelings? 

I wish I could just clear my mind of all this rubbish, relax and enjoy my life.  I should be heading into the prime of my life, having a good time but instead I feel trapped, so lonely, dull and decidely not sexy!! 

Update

Have realised that I have not written on here for some time so maybe it's time for an update.

I am currently enjoying the fact that I'm on my Easter break and still have a week left before normal life has to resume.  We went to Venice for a few days right at the start of the break and had an amazing time.  We walked so much - done wonders for the thighs and south facing bottom!!  It really is a lovely city but I would hate to go in August.  The narrow calli are not made for large groups of tourists to pass each other easily!!  The Grand Canal is a wonder to behold - we were typical tourists and took a vaporetto from the station down to St Mark's as that is the best way to see it.  There are not very many places where you can walk alongside the Canal for any length of time so boat is best to get a good view. We have been reading up on the history of the city and how it came into being in the first place - just a group of people of some mud flats who decided to build a settlement and hey presto you get Venice!!  It was just what the doctor ordered.

Now it's back to reality - washing, ironing, shopping but at least there is time to do it which is a luxury in itself.  Tomorrow I am meeting a friend for a dose of culture at the Royal Academy to see an exhibition there which I am looking forward to.

Eldest sprog is home from uni for her Easter break and I made the mistake of going to a step class with her yesterday.  God do my legs hurt today!!  If I stay still for too long moving is decidedly difficult!!  That will teach me.

Am reeling from the fact that my car insurance renewal is so steep!!  Last year it was £285, this year they want £492.  Daylight robbery is what I call it.  Have found some cheaper quotes online but still coming in at just under the £400 mark.  Unfortunately Peter's renewal has also just come up and that was £386 so there goes this month's attempt to save some money.  The chances of a summer holiday are getting less and less.

But at least the sun is shining so I suppose I should just count my blessings instead!





 

Friday night part 2

Another Friday night and the weekend beckons.  The other half is off on a lads only golf weekend and my daughter is cooking the dinner which is a bit of a treat.  To be honest it has been a weird week as I have hardly seen the other half due to his going out with his old girl friend, parents' evenings and golf. 

Poppy has got her first tattoo today - a French saying along the side of her foot.  She said it hurt somewhat but she is pleased with the result.  It's a bit swollen at the moment but should look good once the swelling has gone down.  I don't know if she plans to have anymore done so shall just have to wait and see.

The tea smells good so I hope it's ready soon as I'm peckish.

Feeling Blue

Having a bit of a downer at the moment.  I think it's partly hormonal - menopause beckoning! - but also a general feeling of isolation and discontent.  Even though I have Peter and the girls I feel lost at times but there's more to it than that.  I also feel like a bit of a failure which is very self-indulgent of me.  I do worry that Peter does not find me intelligent enough.  He's very widely read and having studied philosophy as part of his degree he can see things in a way I can't.  Sometimes it makes me feel like a complete idiot!!  I think some of this current downer is because he is meeting up with Julia tomorrow - the woman he used to discuss ideas with, go to the theatre with, be intense with.  He knows I find it difficult so he has not gone into details but I expect they will go for a meal together and have a chat about stuff.  She's very intelligent too and has read a lot of the same stuff as him which just adds to my insecurity. 

Deep down I know I'm being an idiot.  But sometimes this cloud just appears and it's hard to shake off.  I pull into myself and have to bite my tongue as if I say anything I know it will just annoy him and he'll just tell me not to be so stupid.  I'm caught in a catch-22 with this and have to hide my fears because the more I say things the more defensive he gets and the more defensive he gets the more scared I get. Pathetic really.  I think some of it is learned behaviour from watching my mother, some of it is related to being walked out on before.  I shall have to smile sweetly and say of course it's not a problem, don't mind a bit when the complete opposite is true!!

I'm sorry that this post is so self-indulgent but I have to get it out of my system somehow and I find writing helps.  I will come through this.

Miracles

A miracle - we actually went out this weekend.  We went to the local theatre to see 'Private Lives' which was very enjoyable and a lot cheaper and more convenient than trekking up to London.  It was very funny - very dry but quite poignant in places exploring a somewhat tempestuous relationship and its impact on others.  It was almost a full house and it was good to see local theatre being supported in this way.  They have Arthur Millers 'A View from the Bridge' coming soon so I think we will go and see that too.

We went for a meal first - just at Ask but it was pleasant enough and convenient.  We had wanted to go to a nice little Italian nearer the theatre but they do not open till 6pm so it would have been a bit rushed.

It was just lovely to have a night out rather than the usual sitting indoors watching rubbish and drinking too much.  We need to think more about doing this sort of thing especially when Poppy goes off on her travels and it's just the two of us.

I'm actually quite worried at the prospect of it just being us at home.  At time I just feel we have so little in common that being on our own will show just how little there is.  We are by nature quite insular people: even with each other we can be insular.  Peter is not a natural sharer.  He does not tell me about things like getting a speeding ticket the other day or that he's been successful on a bid on a game he's been after for ages.  Most partners would share that kind of thing but he doesn't feel it's important.  It will come out eventually but in his own sweet time.

He's meeing up with an old friend on Wednesday.  Only this isn't any old friend - it's a woman he used to work with years ago who he had an intense but not physical relationship with.  So intense people thought they were having an affair even though she was married.  She suddenly popped up again via Facebook last year and it hit me hard - so hard I started going to counselling to deal with it.  It made him into a liar, a breaker of promises and it made me break.  I thought history was about to repeat itself.  My ex husband left me out of the blue for a woman he worked with.  I really do mean out of the blue - I had no idea he was even thinking of leaving me, that he wanted out of our marriage, was prepared to lose his children.  My world collapsed and I feared it was about to collapse again regardless about what he told me.  Now I almost have it under control and will not (hopefully) fall apart again.  It's been a difficult time to say the least - well from my point of view anyway.  Maybe miracle number 2 will be that I actually stop giving a damn and just let him get on with it.

School Life

Fairly busy day today.  Have still got a few Year 8 reports left to do but should be done before Monday's deadline.  This is the third lot of reports in quick succession and for those people in smaller departments it must be awful as they tend several classes for any particular year group,  That could equate to 120 reports to be done in just over a week!!  At least as I work in a large department I only have the one set to do although when it gets to Year 7 there will be more as I am a form tutor as well.


Started with year 8 today.  What a mixed bunch they are.  There are some lovely kids in there who always try really hard but there are 2 or 3 key characters who just want to mess about and chat plus another few who are quite simply lazy.  The usual suspects arrived half-way through the lesson as they are frequently late for school.  Thus they miss the setting up, the instructions for what they need to do and consequently cannot get started quickly so mess about instead until I can get to them and sort it out.  One of them is more amenable but the other one is not a nice character.  She can be rude, argumentative and then it's all my fault.  I simply don't get where some of these kids get the idea that nothing is their fault.  Taking responsibility is a big no no for too many of them.  They are in for a shock when they get out into the real world.

My year 10 group are lovely.  They are bottom of the pile in terms of brains but most of the time most of them try really hard.  They struggle and are incredibly vulnerable and I fear for them when they leave the stability of school.  One boy should really have gone to a special school but I believe his parents wanted him to stay in main stream.  He is obsessed by violence, cannot even really write his own name and spends his spare time shooting things on his PS3.  Who knows what the future holds for them.

My year 11 class are also not entirely with it in the brains department but have a lot more going for them than my year 10s.  Some of them I have now taught for 5 years and it is amazing watching them grow up.   There are some characters in there but so far they have behaved for me although I know the potential for trouble is never far away.  A sense of humour is definitely an essential in this job and goes a long way to diffuse tricky situations.

My year 7s are a lively bunch but great fun.  Again concentration is not their strong point - kids today really cannot focus for more than a few minutes.  They are the result of the techno generation - Facebook and their Blackberry (a Blackberry at 11!)  are their life and never mind reading a book or writing in detail.  No time for that anymore - too many games to play or people to text!!

So a school day is usually noisy, a series of firefights, endless emails that need to be kept track of and being a surrogate parent to a large family.  Usually there is little praise but if you fall short they are on you in no time - no balance there then.  Once in a while it would just be nice if a senior member of staff bothered to say you're doing a great job or ask you how you are and how things are going!! 

More musings

We really have to stop wasting our weekends.  All that happens is that we sit indoors, watching rubbish on the TV and drinking too much wine.  This weekend just gone I seemed to spend most of it on my own.  Sprog was at work and the other half went off to practice his golf and then went to the pub.  I was going to surprise him and join him there but he came home just as I was about to leave - typical bad timing.  By then he didn't want to go back out as he prefers to go for a drink after a meal out and now felt tired to I had to grin and bear it.  So life as normal then. 

However, next weekend I have booked tickets for the local theatre to see 'Private Lives' with a meal beforehand - can't believe it!!  A night out!!  May I'll even dress up.  I had been on the point of ditching all my going out clothes because they just sit in the wardrobe but maybe I should hang on to them after all.

Tonight I have my Italian class so, as usual, it's a last minute rush to get my homework done.  I was always bad even at school at leaving things to the last minute.  I know full well that I should get my act together and do it at the weekend and spend more time in general on it but I always end up leaving it.  You would think I'd learnt my lesson by now but I suppose old habits die hard.  I want to put in some time though as we are going to Venice at the start of the Easter holiday and I want to be able to get by without resorting to the usual English trick of speaking slowly and loudly whilst waving my hands about.  Why are the English so lazy at learning a language?  Mind you the Americans are even worse. 

We've been busy reading up so that we have some idea of the history of the place and maybe avoid some of the tourist traps.  It's all the fault of Canaletto - if we had not been to his exhibition at the National Gallery last year, Peter would never have got it into his head that he had to visit Venice.  Don't get me wrong, I'm looking forward to it and I'm sure it will be beautiful but to me it's not the real deal.  It's become such a tourist attraction that I'm worried it has become lost in merchandising and tourist tat but as long as we keep off the beaten track a bit I'm sure it will be great.  Besides we need the break!!

A typical weekend

To be honest a typical weekend consists of not very much which is a way can be rather nice but in another can be a bit frustrating.  I was reading an article in today's Sunday Times by India Knight where she says there is nothing wrong in mooching about at weekends and that it should be praised rather than damned.  She might well have the luxury of being to shop in the week and she may have a cleaner and someone to do her ironing so she has more time to mooch but the principle is a good one.  We spend so much time clock watching, rushing hither and thither and trying to be all things to all people.  It's good just to stop and not feel guilty about it.

It's taken me a while to get used to this idea though.  My weekends used to be a continual rush of shopping, cleaning, ironing, washing,  planning for the next week at work, feeling as if everything had to be done and be perfect to show how good I was at juggling everything.  Now I'm more laid back.  If things don't get ironed then it can be done at another time.  Same with cleaning - it only ends up a mess again in no time.  Planning for the next week has to be done but that does with the job to a certain extent and I don't plan as madly as I used to when I was a really new teacher.  With things I've done before it's more a question of tweaking rather than having to start from scratch which is a blessing.

So now I give myself the luxury of a lie in on Saturday morning before tackling Sainsbury's.  I might take time out to go for lunch with the other half and not panic about the ironing.  This weekend I've taken time to watch the rugby and will shortly watch the England/Scotland match.

My main bugbear is Saturday night.  I would like to go out now and again but where I live does not have a lot to offer unless you like getting off your face and having a punch up.  Anything else is a bit of a journey and I resent paying exorbitant taxi fares in this current climate.  Also, the other half tends to be a bit of a sleepyhead in the evenings -he's an early riser so by the evening he tends to nod off.  On Friday it was 9.15pm and last night just after 10pm when the snoring started on the sofa next to me.  I was going to surprise him and join him at his local pub for a quick drink before I did the dinner, but he got home just as I was going to leave so that didn't pan out.  Then later he didn't really want to go back out again so we just sat indoors watching TV or rather catching up on stuff on the planner as Saturday night TV is pretty poor at the moment.

Today we had breakfast in bed as usual with the papers.  He'd been up early and gone for a bike ride beforehand.  I tend to wake up alone in the mornings which I don't really like but have got used over the years.  Well not quite alone as the cat is usually there and as soon as she sees I'm awake she's clambering all over me, drooling until she settles down on top of me.  When the breakfast tray arrives she sits at the bottom of the bed with her back to us as if we've insulted her but as soon as the tray goes she's back, sitting on my stomach while I sit and read the paper.

Then it's time to take the youngest to work and start the day ie do school work for a few hours depending on how much needs doing.  Later I will do the tea, have a bath and watch the last series of Waking the Dead which starts tonight then it's bed and an early start in the morning!!  I did not put the words ordinary life in the title of this blog for nothing!!

Musing for the day

This blog is just a way for me to reflect on events as they take place and offer my opinions on things.  They will probably be of little interest to others but this as this is primarily for me does that matter?

So what about me?  I am 50 years old and cannot believe it.  Where did the time go?  I know that sounds like a terrible cliche but it's true!!  I don't feel it, like to think I don't look it and hope that I generally have a younger perspective on things.  That's not to say the odd creak hasn't set in and I can see the grey hairs sprouting on my head but I think that 50 can no longer be considered old.

I have been divorced for some time now although I now have a live-in partner.  I have two grown up children, one about to finish university and one about to begin later this year.  I have a nice house and am lucky in a lot of ways.  I work as a teacher in a secondary school which certainly means there's never a dull moment - just a lot of frustrating ones!!  The problem is that to some extent, despite having all this, I feel there's something missing but I cannot put my finger on it.  There's a bit of me that feels that I've time slip by and not made the most of it.  I'm not a natural risk taker but maybe now is the time.

My youngest daughter is off in April to Argentina and then Peru as part of  her gap year experience.  She's going to learn Spanish and the tango before working in some sort of children's home/school in Peru with some trekking to Matchu Pitchu as well.  Maybe that is what has added to my feeling of needing to break out and do something different.  She won't be back until the end of July and then I believe that in August she is going to the States to spend some time with her father who now lives out there with wife number 2.

My eldest daughter is planning a back packing trip round Italy with her boyfriend although she has also been looking at going to China and the Far East.  At the risk of sounding sorry for myself I don't have any plans for a summer holiday as yet due to finances and will miss it terribly.  We didn't get away last year either and it does affect you, not having that break from the mundane tasks involved in running a home.

I have been toying with the idea of getting a TEFL qualification so that I could live and work abroad.  I've also been learning Italian for a couple of years although it's difficult to find the time to do it properly.  Well, actually it's probably not that difficult it's just that I'm inherently lazy and always leave things to the last minute.  Always have done - I remember at school rushing homework or even not doing it and the same at university which accounts for the fact I only managed a third class degree!!  If  I could have my time again I would work so much harder.  I really admire my eldest daughter as she works so hard and so wants (and deserves) a first.  She's only a few points short but is worried that she'll miss out.  The youngest is too like me - she's naturally very clever but doesn't put the effort do did not do as well as she could have done at A level.  Mind you she's got a place at Durham to do Earth Sciences (I think!) so hopefully the fact that it's going to cost her so much will act as a spur to doing well.

Anyway the chores are calling ie it's time to get on with the dinner - I said it was an ordinary life!!