Update

Well it's been quite a while since I last posted anything on this blog and it must be feeling very neglected.

Life has changed somewhat in that both girls are now away at uni and it is just me and the fella at home.  It's not going too badly but it has highlighted some things that I was aware of but are more evident now.

We don't seem to talk very much apart from banalities.  I find it hard to know what he's thinking at times and he's not one for speaking his mind.  I know that he hates his job because of all the extra bureaurocracy that has crept into the profession over the years and he finds the sheer workload hard to deal with.  At times it gets him down badly.  Sometime I wish he was more dynamic but there again I'm not exactly the most outgoing of people either so I suppose in that respect we're well suited!

But is it really too much to ask to have the occasional compliment, the odd surprise to keep things interesting.  Our relationship is in such a rut.  We hardly speak during the week, there's no physical contact during the week and any sex has to be squeezed into a weekend along with the rest of the chores.  Furthermore night time sex is a big no no as we tend to have too much wine and just fall asleep or I try to have less but he still drinks and falls asleep.  Something which used to be so much fun and so fulfilling has become a big turn off for me.  I can barely respond at times and just lie there and look at the ceiling.  I can't feel anything, as if I'm totally shut down.

I've never had a lot of confidence in the bed department.  So it doesn't help when he never undresses me, never looks at me except for a brief few minutes on a Saturday or Sunday morning.  I've lost confidence in making the first move partly because I feel such a prat and partly because I am scared he'll laugh at me and say no.

I have a good life - a job, a roof over my head, food on the table, so why do I feel so unhappy?  Why do I feel so empty?  It's as if a bit of me is missing and I can't find it.  I want to be happy so much but feel so worthless, almost as if I don't deserve it. 

I want peace of mind.  I still worry about Peter and Julia especially after something he wrote to his friend Gill about how if things were different he might have been with Julia.  It almost implied that under different circumstances he would be with her.  I'm so confused over this whole thing.  he talks about having to keep his feelings locked away when he's with her  - what feelings? 

I wish I could just clear my mind of all this rubbish, relax and enjoy my life.  I should be heading into the prime of my life, having a good time but instead I feel trapped, so lonely, dull and decidely not sexy!!