Why can't I get my head straight? I just keep going over the same thing again and again and it's destroying my relationship. I am so unhappy with myself and feel so worthless and I blame it all on Peter. I want him to be something he is not and that is so unfair. He cannot help the way he is and I should accept that, not beat him up over it. Maybe he is right when he says that in reality I don't want him anymore but am too scared to say so and am too scared to start again at my age.
I don't know what I want anymore. All I do know is that I don't want too feel like this anymore but I don't know how to stop. I've become trapped in this cycle and can't find the way out. I have lost what little confidence I have. I feel old, ugly, stupid. I thought I had things under control but how wrong I was. I am paranoid about his contact with Julia even though he has constantly said there is nothing there and it's just old friends getting together.
It's making me ill, literally. Over the last few days I feel constantly nauseous and have enough wind to launch an airship!! Touch of IBS I think and there is not a lot I can do about it.
He is quite happy with things, likes the routine of our sex life and sees nothing wrong in not talking much. I feel isolated, boring and have consequently chucked a small fortune's worth of lacy undies as being a waste of time. What have I become? I don't know how much longer this can go on without some massive fallout. I'm frightened by how I feel at times - so overwhelmed. Somebody please give me the strength to get through this.
Wednesday, 30 November 2011
Tuesday, 22 November 2011
Small Talk
I'm not totally sure whether social networks are a good idea or not. I look at my Facebook and feel I must be very dull as nobody comments on my posts and it seems to carry on some of the cliqueness that exists at work. I'm not a naturally social animal - some people may stuck I'm stuck up or cold - but I just find it hard, even at my advanced years, to make small talk. However, this does leave me feeling a bit left out when everybody else is busy patting each other on the back.
I need to find some hobbies/interests to get me out of myself and mixing more. Trouble is I don't really know what!! I'm not really sure what I do like or what I could be good at which makes it a bit of a Catch-22 situation. I wish I had some passion in my life that I could turn to give me a sense of achievement or enjoyment. God I sound so pathetic. I really need to get a grip and stop wallowing - but wallowing is so much easier!! I've always been a bit on the lazy side I'm afraid.
Well Christmas is looming and I have not got a thing organised yet. We're planning a shopping day on Saturday so I can make a start even if it's just stocking fillers for the girls, cards and paper. At least it will be a start. Can you believe there are so many decorations up already and it's not even the end of November. I really think there should be a law that says no decorations before 1st December. After all, we all know it's coming and don't really need reminding this early!
The damned cat is waking us up earlier and earlier. She just sits next to the bed and squawks until I grab her and stick her on the bed even though she is quite capable of jumping up herself. The trouble is she then jumps off again, disappears for a while then comes back again. She has become almost like a small child needing attention - maybe it's a form of feline dementia. Whatever it is I wish it would stop so I can get some sleep!
Really want to see Wuthering Heights but none of the cinemas around here are showing it at the moment. It's all Tin Tin, Immortals, Arthur's Christmas. What happened to catering for the adult audience? Hopefully it will turn up at some point as it would be a shame to miss it. Mind you at this rate I might even have time to read it again before I see it. I haven't read it for more years than I care to remember but it is sitting on my Kindle so maybe I should get reading.
Nearly time for It Takes Two. I'm a Strictly fan and this year has been great fun to watch. The competition is really hotting up and am so impressed by the way Alex has come on since the start of the programme. I hope she goes far.
I need to find some hobbies/interests to get me out of myself and mixing more. Trouble is I don't really know what!! I'm not really sure what I do like or what I could be good at which makes it a bit of a Catch-22 situation. I wish I had some passion in my life that I could turn to give me a sense of achievement or enjoyment. God I sound so pathetic. I really need to get a grip and stop wallowing - but wallowing is so much easier!! I've always been a bit on the lazy side I'm afraid.
Well Christmas is looming and I have not got a thing organised yet. We're planning a shopping day on Saturday so I can make a start even if it's just stocking fillers for the girls, cards and paper. At least it will be a start. Can you believe there are so many decorations up already and it's not even the end of November. I really think there should be a law that says no decorations before 1st December. After all, we all know it's coming and don't really need reminding this early!
The damned cat is waking us up earlier and earlier. She just sits next to the bed and squawks until I grab her and stick her on the bed even though she is quite capable of jumping up herself. The trouble is she then jumps off again, disappears for a while then comes back again. She has become almost like a small child needing attention - maybe it's a form of feline dementia. Whatever it is I wish it would stop so I can get some sleep!
Really want to see Wuthering Heights but none of the cinemas around here are showing it at the moment. It's all Tin Tin, Immortals, Arthur's Christmas. What happened to catering for the adult audience? Hopefully it will turn up at some point as it would be a shame to miss it. Mind you at this rate I might even have time to read it again before I see it. I haven't read it for more years than I care to remember but it is sitting on my Kindle so maybe I should get reading.
Nearly time for It Takes Two. I'm a Strictly fan and this year has been great fun to watch. The competition is really hotting up and am so impressed by the way Alex has come on since the start of the programme. I hope she goes far.
Sunday, 20 November 2011
Update
Well it's been quite a while since I last posted anything on this blog and it must be feeling very neglected.
Life has changed somewhat in that both girls are now away at uni and it is just me and the fella at home. It's not going too badly but it has highlighted some things that I was aware of but are more evident now.
We don't seem to talk very much apart from banalities. I find it hard to know what he's thinking at times and he's not one for speaking his mind. I know that he hates his job because of all the extra bureaurocracy that has crept into the profession over the years and he finds the sheer workload hard to deal with. At times it gets him down badly. Sometime I wish he was more dynamic but there again I'm not exactly the most outgoing of people either so I suppose in that respect we're well suited!
But is it really too much to ask to have the occasional compliment, the odd surprise to keep things interesting. Our relationship is in such a rut. We hardly speak during the week, there's no physical contact during the week and any sex has to be squeezed into a weekend along with the rest of the chores. Furthermore night time sex is a big no no as we tend to have too much wine and just fall asleep or I try to have less but he still drinks and falls asleep. Something which used to be so much fun and so fulfilling has become a big turn off for me. I can barely respond at times and just lie there and look at the ceiling. I can't feel anything, as if I'm totally shut down.
I've never had a lot of confidence in the bed department. So it doesn't help when he never undresses me, never looks at me except for a brief few minutes on a Saturday or Sunday morning. I've lost confidence in making the first move partly because I feel such a prat and partly because I am scared he'll laugh at me and say no.
I have a good life - a job, a roof over my head, food on the table, so why do I feel so unhappy? Why do I feel so empty? It's as if a bit of me is missing and I can't find it. I want to be happy so much but feel so worthless, almost as if I don't deserve it.
I want peace of mind. I still worry about Peter and Julia especially after something he wrote to his friend Gill about how if things were different he might have been with Julia. It almost implied that under different circumstances he would be with her. I'm so confused over this whole thing. he talks about having to keep his feelings locked away when he's with her - what feelings?
I wish I could just clear my mind of all this rubbish, relax and enjoy my life. I should be heading into the prime of my life, having a good time but instead I feel trapped, so lonely, dull and decidely not sexy!!
Life has changed somewhat in that both girls are now away at uni and it is just me and the fella at home. It's not going too badly but it has highlighted some things that I was aware of but are more evident now.
We don't seem to talk very much apart from banalities. I find it hard to know what he's thinking at times and he's not one for speaking his mind. I know that he hates his job because of all the extra bureaurocracy that has crept into the profession over the years and he finds the sheer workload hard to deal with. At times it gets him down badly. Sometime I wish he was more dynamic but there again I'm not exactly the most outgoing of people either so I suppose in that respect we're well suited!
But is it really too much to ask to have the occasional compliment, the odd surprise to keep things interesting. Our relationship is in such a rut. We hardly speak during the week, there's no physical contact during the week and any sex has to be squeezed into a weekend along with the rest of the chores. Furthermore night time sex is a big no no as we tend to have too much wine and just fall asleep or I try to have less but he still drinks and falls asleep. Something which used to be so much fun and so fulfilling has become a big turn off for me. I can barely respond at times and just lie there and look at the ceiling. I can't feel anything, as if I'm totally shut down.
I've never had a lot of confidence in the bed department. So it doesn't help when he never undresses me, never looks at me except for a brief few minutes on a Saturday or Sunday morning. I've lost confidence in making the first move partly because I feel such a prat and partly because I am scared he'll laugh at me and say no.
I have a good life - a job, a roof over my head, food on the table, so why do I feel so unhappy? Why do I feel so empty? It's as if a bit of me is missing and I can't find it. I want to be happy so much but feel so worthless, almost as if I don't deserve it.
I want peace of mind. I still worry about Peter and Julia especially after something he wrote to his friend Gill about how if things were different he might have been with Julia. It almost implied that under different circumstances he would be with her. I'm so confused over this whole thing. he talks about having to keep his feelings locked away when he's with her - what feelings?
I wish I could just clear my mind of all this rubbish, relax and enjoy my life. I should be heading into the prime of my life, having a good time but instead I feel trapped, so lonely, dull and decidely not sexy!!
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