Why can't I get my head straight? I just keep going over the same thing again and again and it's destroying my relationship. I am so unhappy with myself and feel so worthless and I blame it all on Peter. I want him to be something he is not and that is so unfair. He cannot help the way he is and I should accept that, not beat him up over it. Maybe he is right when he says that in reality I don't want him anymore but am too scared to say so and am too scared to start again at my age.
I don't know what I want anymore. All I do know is that I don't want too feel like this anymore but I don't know how to stop. I've become trapped in this cycle and can't find the way out. I have lost what little confidence I have. I feel old, ugly, stupid. I thought I had things under control but how wrong I was. I am paranoid about his contact with Julia even though he has constantly said there is nothing there and it's just old friends getting together.
It's making me ill, literally. Over the last few days I feel constantly nauseous and have enough wind to launch an airship!! Touch of IBS I think and there is not a lot I can do about it.
He is quite happy with things, likes the routine of our sex life and sees nothing wrong in not talking much. I feel isolated, boring and have consequently chucked a small fortune's worth of lacy undies as being a waste of time. What have I become? I don't know how much longer this can go on without some massive fallout. I'm frightened by how I feel at times - so overwhelmed. Somebody please give me the strength to get through this.
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