Adjustments

Life seems to be made up of a series of adjustments some of which are easier to cope with than others.  I suppose the first major adjustment we all go through is that of actually being born in the first place and having to become independent beings rather than being cossetted in the womb.  The mewling and puking stage as Shakespeare puts it before we move on to the teenage years where we are supposed to find our identities.  Personally I think that's a lot of rubbish and you constantly evolveyour sense of identity partly based on the events and people that shape your life.

I think that some fundamental aspects of our identity are present with us from birth thanks to the genes we carry on from our parents.  I know that my insecurity comes from my mother, my shyness from my father.  Most of the time I am fairly easy going like my father but am also passive-aggressive like my mother and often feel that there is a conspiracy against me which again I think tends to come from my mother.

Back to adjustments - leaving home is the next big one whether that is for univerisity, work or marriage.  That sense of being able to manage for oneself and be a proper grown up.  Fostering that sense of independence is important and marks you out as an adult capable of making your own decisions however badly they may turn out.

Marriage/relationships can involve huge adjustments.  Not just thinking about yourself, meeting the demands of another person can be difficult especially once children come along and that takes a huge amount of adjusting to.

The part of life I am having trouble with is now - the girls have badically left home to study at university and I no longer have a clear role to play.  This has highlighted a number of issues chief amongst them being the distinct lack of a social life with which to fill the time.  How did I get this far in life without making friends?  I have made friends, of course I have, but not the ones that last and that you can call when you're having a bad day or want to go out for lunch.  I have spent several days this holiday totally alone.  Peter has been out at golf with his friends, the girls have been out with theirs or at work and me, I sit alone and pretend I don't mind.  The rest of time I have done the domestic chores there is no time to do in term time and that has been it.  We're planning a day out on Thursday but that will be the only thing achieved this holiday and it makes me wonder what on earth I am going to do with the rest of my life.

How does one make friends?  Where do you go to meet people?  Most things round here run in the day which is no use as I'm at work most of the time.  I have joined a local book club that meets once a month but that is all I have and it is beginning to concern me.  I don't want to become the lonely old woman surrounded by cats but fear that could well be my fate if life carries on like this!!

I need a life plan of some sort to give me something to aim for before I crack up completely.  Now I just need to figure out where to start!

Sunday

Well I think it is time to face facts and get to the doctor's for some help.  Had a bit of a downer on Friday night which scared me as I felt so out of control.  So it's time to do something before my whole world falls apart.  Peter can't take much more - he says it puts him under pressure as he feels he can't talk to anyone or about anyone without my getting paranoid about it.  Not only that but it has gone to my stomach and my digestive system is up the spout.  I feel nauseous a lot of the time and have enough wind to power an airship!!  Somewhat embarrassing as much as anything else.

Had my one and only Christmas do on Saturday - a meal at Back Inn Time with the guys from work and other halves. Food OK but company good although there was a lot of shop talk at times.  Luckily Peter and I sat with Rob and Brenda and so avoided most of the shop talk and had a much more general conversation which was good.  Just wish it had been a bit more lively - Christmas is supposed to be about having fun and letting your hair down.

Peter is out with the lads on Friday so no doubt he will get extremely drunk.  They are getting a coach to some place in Ingatestone where it is drink as much as you like.  He's convinced it will end up in a fight so we shall see if he's proved right.  Then I believe he's going to Newcastle the weekend I pick up the girls from uni so he'll be out on the town then as well.

On the other hand we are going to be very grown up and go to the Da Vinci exhibition and then maybe a meal and a bit of Christmas shopping.  Don't get me wrong, I love going to exhibitions and this is a must see, but I do wish we also did something a bit more lively at times.  Mind you where we live is not exactly buzzing unless you are under 30 and not worried about getting caught up in a fight.

Last time we went to Newcastle I really wanted a good night out - it is supposed to be party central after all, but it was as dead as a dodo.  Peter did not want to go up to some part of it where there are loads of places as it gets too rowdy especially as there had been a match that day.  Also there were loads of places he would not take me to as he said they are too rough and all the gangsters go there so that was a bit of a downer.  At least this time he did not leave me in the middle of the road on my own at night and then go off to bed while I could have gone anywhere or had anything happen especially as I did not have my phone with me!!  That's a whole other story.

Done it again

Why can't I get my head straight?  I just keep going over the same thing again and again and it's destroying my relationship.  I am so unhappy with myself and feel so worthless and I blame it all on Peter.  I want him to be something he is not and that is so unfair.  He cannot help the way he is and I should accept that, not beat him up over it.  Maybe he is right when he says that in reality I don't want him anymore but am too scared to say so and am too scared to start again at my age.

I don't know what I want anymore.  All I do know is that I don't want too feel like this anymore but I don't know how to stop.  I've become trapped in this cycle and can't find the way out.  I have lost what little confidence I have.  I feel old, ugly, stupid.  I thought I had things under control but how wrong I was.  I am paranoid about his contact with Julia even though he has constantly said there is nothing there and it's just old friends getting together. 

It's making me ill, literally.  Over the last few days I feel constantly nauseous and have enough wind to launch an airship!!  Touch of IBS I think and there is not a lot I can do about it.

He is quite happy with things, likes the routine of our sex life and sees nothing wrong in not talking much.  I feel isolated, boring and have consequently chucked a small fortune's worth of lacy undies as being a waste of time.  What have I become?  I don't know how much longer this can go on without some massive fallout.  I'm frightened by how I feel at times - so overwhelmed.  Somebody please give me the strength to get through this.

Small Talk

I'm not totally sure whether social networks are a good idea or not.  I look at my Facebook and feel I must be very dull as nobody comments on my posts and it seems to carry on some of the cliqueness that exists at work.  I'm not a naturally social animal - some people may stuck I'm stuck up or cold - but I just find it hard, even at my advanced years, to make small talk.  However, this does leave me feeling a bit left out when everybody else is busy patting each other on the back. 

I need to find some hobbies/interests to get me out of myself and mixing more.  Trouble is I don't really know what!!  I'm not really sure what I do like or what I could be good at which makes it a bit of a Catch-22 situation.  I wish I had some passion in my life that I could turn to give me a sense of achievement or enjoyment.  God I sound so pathetic.  I really need to get a grip and stop wallowing - but wallowing is so much easier!!  I've always been a bit on the lazy side I'm afraid.

Well Christmas is looming and I have not got a thing organised yet.  We're planning a shopping day on Saturday so I can make a start even if it's just stocking fillers for the girls, cards and paper.  At least it will be a start.  Can you believe there are so many decorations up already and it's not even the end of November.  I really think there should be a law that says no decorations before 1st December.  After all, we all know it's coming and don't really need reminding this early!

The damned cat is waking us up earlier and earlier.  She just sits next to the bed and squawks until I grab her and stick her on the bed even though she is quite capable of jumping up herself.  The trouble is she then jumps off again, disappears for a while then comes back again.  She has become almost like a small child needing attention - maybe it's a form of feline dementia.  Whatever it is I wish it would stop so I can get some sleep!

Really want to see Wuthering Heights but none of the cinemas around here are showing it at the moment.  It's all Tin Tin, Immortals, Arthur's Christmas.  What happened to catering for the adult audience?  Hopefully it will turn up at some point as it would be a shame to miss it.  Mind you at this rate I might even have time to read it again before I see it.  I haven't read it for more years than I care to remember but it is sitting on my Kindle so maybe I should get reading.

Nearly time for It Takes Two.  I'm a Strictly fan and this year has been great fun to watch.  The competition is really hotting up and am so impressed by the way Alex has come on since the start of the programme.  I hope she goes far.

Update

Well it's been quite a while since I last posted anything on this blog and it must be feeling very neglected.

Life has changed somewhat in that both girls are now away at uni and it is just me and the fella at home.  It's not going too badly but it has highlighted some things that I was aware of but are more evident now.

We don't seem to talk very much apart from banalities.  I find it hard to know what he's thinking at times and he's not one for speaking his mind.  I know that he hates his job because of all the extra bureaurocracy that has crept into the profession over the years and he finds the sheer workload hard to deal with.  At times it gets him down badly.  Sometime I wish he was more dynamic but there again I'm not exactly the most outgoing of people either so I suppose in that respect we're well suited!

But is it really too much to ask to have the occasional compliment, the odd surprise to keep things interesting.  Our relationship is in such a rut.  We hardly speak during the week, there's no physical contact during the week and any sex has to be squeezed into a weekend along with the rest of the chores.  Furthermore night time sex is a big no no as we tend to have too much wine and just fall asleep or I try to have less but he still drinks and falls asleep.  Something which used to be so much fun and so fulfilling has become a big turn off for me.  I can barely respond at times and just lie there and look at the ceiling.  I can't feel anything, as if I'm totally shut down.

I've never had a lot of confidence in the bed department.  So it doesn't help when he never undresses me, never looks at me except for a brief few minutes on a Saturday or Sunday morning.  I've lost confidence in making the first move partly because I feel such a prat and partly because I am scared he'll laugh at me and say no.

I have a good life - a job, a roof over my head, food on the table, so why do I feel so unhappy?  Why do I feel so empty?  It's as if a bit of me is missing and I can't find it.  I want to be happy so much but feel so worthless, almost as if I don't deserve it. 

I want peace of mind.  I still worry about Peter and Julia especially after something he wrote to his friend Gill about how if things were different he might have been with Julia.  It almost implied that under different circumstances he would be with her.  I'm so confused over this whole thing.  he talks about having to keep his feelings locked away when he's with her  - what feelings? 

I wish I could just clear my mind of all this rubbish, relax and enjoy my life.  I should be heading into the prime of my life, having a good time but instead I feel trapped, so lonely, dull and decidely not sexy!! 

Update

Have realised that I have not written on here for some time so maybe it's time for an update.

I am currently enjoying the fact that I'm on my Easter break and still have a week left before normal life has to resume.  We went to Venice for a few days right at the start of the break and had an amazing time.  We walked so much - done wonders for the thighs and south facing bottom!!  It really is a lovely city but I would hate to go in August.  The narrow calli are not made for large groups of tourists to pass each other easily!!  The Grand Canal is a wonder to behold - we were typical tourists and took a vaporetto from the station down to St Mark's as that is the best way to see it.  There are not very many places where you can walk alongside the Canal for any length of time so boat is best to get a good view. We have been reading up on the history of the city and how it came into being in the first place - just a group of people of some mud flats who decided to build a settlement and hey presto you get Venice!!  It was just what the doctor ordered.

Now it's back to reality - washing, ironing, shopping but at least there is time to do it which is a luxury in itself.  Tomorrow I am meeting a friend for a dose of culture at the Royal Academy to see an exhibition there which I am looking forward to.

Eldest sprog is home from uni for her Easter break and I made the mistake of going to a step class with her yesterday.  God do my legs hurt today!!  If I stay still for too long moving is decidedly difficult!!  That will teach me.

Am reeling from the fact that my car insurance renewal is so steep!!  Last year it was £285, this year they want £492.  Daylight robbery is what I call it.  Have found some cheaper quotes online but still coming in at just under the £400 mark.  Unfortunately Peter's renewal has also just come up and that was £386 so there goes this month's attempt to save some money.  The chances of a summer holiday are getting less and less.

But at least the sun is shining so I suppose I should just count my blessings instead!





 

Friday night part 2

Another Friday night and the weekend beckons.  The other half is off on a lads only golf weekend and my daughter is cooking the dinner which is a bit of a treat.  To be honest it has been a weird week as I have hardly seen the other half due to his going out with his old girl friend, parents' evenings and golf. 

Poppy has got her first tattoo today - a French saying along the side of her foot.  She said it hurt somewhat but she is pleased with the result.  It's a bit swollen at the moment but should look good once the swelling has gone down.  I don't know if she plans to have anymore done so shall just have to wait and see.

The tea smells good so I hope it's ready soon as I'm peckish.