Having a bit of a downer at the moment. I think it's partly hormonal - menopause beckoning! - but also a general feeling of isolation and discontent. Even though I have Peter and the girls I feel lost at times but there's more to it than that. I also feel like a bit of a failure which is very self-indulgent of me. I do worry that Peter does not find me intelligent enough. He's very widely read and having studied philosophy as part of his degree he can see things in a way I can't. Sometimes it makes me feel like a complete idiot!! I think some of this current downer is because he is meeting up with Julia tomorrow - the woman he used to discuss ideas with, go to the theatre with, be intense with. He knows I find it difficult so he has not gone into details but I expect they will go for a meal together and have a chat about stuff. She's very intelligent too and has read a lot of the same stuff as him which just adds to my insecurity.
Deep down I know I'm being an idiot. But sometimes this cloud just appears and it's hard to shake off. I pull into myself and have to bite my tongue as if I say anything I know it will just annoy him and he'll just tell me not to be so stupid. I'm caught in a catch-22 with this and have to hide my fears because the more I say things the more defensive he gets and the more defensive he gets the more scared I get. Pathetic really. I think some of it is learned behaviour from watching my mother, some of it is related to being walked out on before. I shall have to smile sweetly and say of course it's not a problem, don't mind a bit when the complete opposite is true!!
I'm sorry that this post is so self-indulgent but I have to get it out of my system somehow and I find writing helps. I will come through this.
Try this book:
ReplyDeleteMen are from Mars and Women are from Venus(if you have not) -- Just to digest few facts of life..